Inverted Buttburps
by kirkspock
Summary: In which Spock meets Kirk, a Starbucks barista, on the job. They feel an immediate connection and- Well I wouldn't want to give it all away now.
1. Chapter 1

Starship Enterprise cut through the galaxy like a meteor streaked across the sky. Wow. Space is great. But alas Kirk lacked the knowledge of space and all it's glories as he served as a lowly grunt in the platoon of Starbucks, stranded in Iowa. If only he knew what hte universe would soon deliver him as the stupid bell chimed by the door. But wiht his head in the coulds-or morem like the gas clouds uncontained by atmosphereic pressers out in space-Kirk didn't take notice to the incomming coustomer.

kirk wiped the counter in front of him and soghed a heavy sigh that was wayy geavier than gravity and sent him crashingg to the ground just ad the new customer was approaching! A chellenger wss approaching and he crahed to the ground wow ironic

death isnt funny folks which is why kirk picked himself up off the nasty tiled ground and smiled a huge smike that almoST BLINDED THE CUSTOMER OH NO HE COUKDN'T BLIND THE CUSTOMER BECAUSE THEN HE'D HAVE TO OBEY COMPANY POLICY AND LICK THE FLIORS CLEAN OF SPILT EXPRESSO ! which was like capitol pjnishment or something but whatever back to TGE FYTURE i nean this sutuation

So this new guy was coming in and his hips swivled in a really way i mean wowza. Kirk was struck on the spot kinda like how lightning storms in space will flip the fuck out because that EXACTLY HOW KIR'S HEART FELT! Ba-boom! Struck on the spot by love. Except he couldn't show that because then he'd have to sclub the toilets with his twootbrush. And that would be reaaaaaaally nasty. So hel held his compuser.

"Welcum to Stirbox," the non-captain of the entsurprise greeted. Wait. This was Starbuckx. "Shoot I mean Stardust." Wow. He was really out of it. He needed to have his ead in the game but Corbin Blu was no wehre in sight to get him back into it so he did it himself. Pulling himself tgether and straightening up (which was hard cause he was feeling really gays) he said wiht compuser, "I mean Starbucks. Starbucks. Welcome?"

The delicious person who wanted to buy overpriced but still Semi-delicious hot beverages and possibly a mediocre stale pastry raised an eyebrow like blinds being yanked on by his mom in the morning when he used to go to school ahaha learnin g

kirk tried again because obviosuly mister blindbrows didn't hear him "i said welcome welcome u hottie" ... Shit "uh i mean we have hotcoffie and thing syes what buy u wsnt to?"

so far so good

jimmy boy's red rocket was about to be granted clearance into sexy customer's shuttle bay for jocking ohhh yeasahhhh wait what did he say?

Apparently the coustomer chico was a mind reader because he repeated what he said. "I want the best you have to offer. Do not confuse quality with quanityt-and especially do not foncuse monetary value with the value of flavor."

Wow. So the guy knew what he wanted. And if hte was a test themn Kirks would do his best do to his very best thatn noone evfeur was. yah. he'll show that angular angel who can make the coffe. who can take home the bakin. who can grind.

like grinding coffee beans

yeah.

Kirk icked himself in hte head but on the inside like internally because his thoughts were gonig a bit toooooo off task and ogoling at the aesthetic alien was no way to make watered down bean sludge.

alllrighty then so kirk got to work and resisted the urge ti twerk and smirk and rhyme and shit

ooooh he sauntered over to a burlap sack of briwn beans whih had better be cofeee beand and not mouse pellets anywhas kirk seductively flicked his haead ovr his shoulder and winked while slowly easjg his calloused hands into the sensuous sack of probably mousr dung and whimpered at the cold, smooth beans passing through his fingers like kitten paws

jim grabbed those beans and swaggered over to the grinder where he ground those beans. He ground those beans goood. All whike looking at yhr snooty hot ohhodfuckmddddreeee customer and licked his lips

Next kirk made the coffee and grabbed the cremen ti put on top, but did 't put it on yet

kirk took the mug and the creme iver to the register area and rung hittie mchotbutt (he ass-umes he's got a great butt) AHAHHA PUN s

anywyas kirk takes the montet from tge man and runs his callloused hands ovdr th e customers and tixkels his palm a littl e

The customer appears startled but isn't writing a restraining irder on a napkin so kirk thinks he's cool with it. damn. kirk hates these blurred lines. so anywya the customer takds the mug and kt loOOKS LIKE HES NOT GONNA GET ANY CREME ON HIS COFFEE SO KRN TAKES mATRRETRS INTO HIS OWN HANDS kirk gentley taps the customer on the sholder and then slides his own hand down the customer's arm, while lt commander of his heart stands motionless in shock or arousal probably arousal anyways so kirk tenderly holds the customermz hand and rheb eases it into an "o" shape and begins moving it up and down in the air whime kirk silmotaneoisly humps the counter ...sufdenly, as quickly s it began, kirk cracked open a seductive eye at the customer and spRAYED HIM WOTH WHIPPED CREME!? SO MUCH CRME!

mystery hottie widened his eyes and shrieked in most likely arousal bdcause hey universal solvent is actually sex it is a proven fact kirk is a scientist of looove a sex scientis t he wants to take your data and observe u all night looonng and wow speaking of long the creme-covered customer is still screaming

"!" he yelled

"!"

wow kirk is mighty worried because he can't even heAR the screamjf but he can see mysterious !s appear aount spock i mean mystery man's head

but like his actuAl head like his think noggin and not his penis head because that woukd be weird and creepy like ? lok the penis is a sex

Noggin AhahahhahaAHAHA oh sshit manager manager manager alERTT BATTLE

SRATIOION S RED ALERT

now kirk was silent screamining,too!

"!" He yelped, "!" he droned. Wow science is amazing

naywyas manager pike walkes up fo fhe customer worh a worried expreasion on his face, looking ad if he was going to right a wrong dk

poopoo


	2. Chapter 2

So Kirk was p much frozen in place, frozen by the cold stare of mister managed and stuff and golly Jesus he was WORRD! Keptin Pike, kinda like the spear pike Pike but maybe the fish, started to approach. Oh no. Ohhhh nooooo'n!

"Wahtre u doin, hopscotch?," the manager proclaimed poking Spock's ear. "Waidrdo," he whispered. "Kirdk we went ovdr this befour. STAHP FU KIN COUNTERZ M8!"

Kirk paled. Went sheet white. Ice white. Whiter than the Irish kinda white because oh no TROUBKELEE!1211!1!1!/!1! Kirk sighed. Spock grim aced.

"This is awkward," thy all said in unison.

suddenly salad

appeared from the sky

it was raining salad

why? no one knows

and those who do know

have all died whoopsie

wait no that's not what was happening at all ! Kirk shook his head (lik his actual head nit his penis head gosh we've been over this) to shoo the stray thiught from his otherwise empty noggin

"kIRK YIU SEX OFFENDIG FREAK! r U evEn liStne" pike shRIEKED

kirk onl stared

he stared his eyes (btw thery was hazel but now they were as blue as his testicles right anbout now) at the customer

and then he stared his oddly colored eyes at pike

wHo wASN'T ACTUALLY THEREB!? kirk had imaginrd him

he had imagined the whipped crema too wow what a freak

but he didn't imaginr the sex-on-legs reminding him that the chroustormer wanted a Togo cup

kirk was aPPALED but also turned on

(But he's like awlays turned on soooo not much if andiffrrentcr here)

a TOGO CUP? HRE HAD NEVER BREN TO TOGO? he had been to its neighboor, burkina fasao, but the visit was hot and brief and sPEAKING oF HOT AND BRIEF wow his underwear was really wet bc if the hottie mc hottcakes in front of him

wAaaait focus focus fucos fuuckme god famnine

wait a sdcond

kirk stared at the customer andn replayed what the vustomet had said ti him and using context clues kirk was able to discern that the customer infACT MEANT TO-GO, NOT TOGO. woe wowi

so kirk sheepishly loked at the alien cusotmer and loudly dragged the mug of whatever the alien otdrederd and walked backwards to the to-go cup stack

kirk bent dien brhind the countrr so the customer couldn't see what he was doing but, if the customer lookedd behind the silvrr box mahine taht nobogdy kniws what it dies, tHen Thr cusotmer woudls get a prrfect view of kirks marvelous butt

but altlas rhe scudtomed did nit do any if thst

nhs customer remained still and kirk fumblrd behind the mysterious silver bix mahine to find a lid

once kirk poured the perfectly okay liquid from the mug into thr to-go cup, hr reaized somehong vewwy importante

therE WAS NIT ENOUGH LIQUID TO GILL THE TO-gO CUP?!:?):! PANIc

instead of doing the LOGICAL thing and getting a smaller cup, kirk decided he nEEDED TO MAKE MORREE COFEE so in a fRAZZLED FRENZY he wHILPED over to the customet adb said "sorry sweatheart, i don't have enough juice to makr this tobaccoo roll they way we want it ti, capidhe?!" And the customer was vrrey confused as any SANE being would be be

kirk actualyly faceplamrd himself X-O

but he pRRSISTED and said "i. Am sorry i nedd to make more coffee csn i hAve yo nuMBA i msan naME CAN I HAVE YOUR NAME so incsn write it on the new cup likr they used to do at starbucks but apparently don't anymore (becaus e i have never had a starbucks rmploysree wrote my name on a cup inguess they don't do tshat?)

the customer daid "spock" and kirk sCREAM ED "-DROP AND ROLL" and dOVE oVER THE COUNTRR, SABVING SPOCK FROM THE MYSTERIOUS FIRE THAT WAS SUPPOSEDLY IN THE BUILDJNG AND HE TAKLED SPOCK TO THE FLOOR, PINNING HUM DOWN WJTH HIS ENTIRE LENGTH AHAHHA I MENA BIDY AND EXTREMELY ERECT PENIS AND YOU KNOW WHAT KIRK DID ? HE DIDN'T PUT A LID ON THE NOT-WUITE-enOUGH-liQuid aNd in the extrnely convinieynt dive across rhe counter abd even more extrnemly convinient position they were in, tHE EXTRMELY INCONVINIENT HAPPENED AND THE HOT, FOAMY, FROTHY LIQUID HAD SPIKT (very sensuousyyly) over spock and kirk's bodirs and also clothing

spOCK WAS ALARMED ans kirk was breathing heavily and vrerh aroused pOSSIBLY EVEN MORE AROUSED THAN BEFORE,?! spock said in a deliciously monitone voice "i said spoxk, nit stiop"

if kirk was rmbarassdd before, he aasn't embarassrd now! He had saved spocks life ! H e was a hERO and neeeded ti be rewarded ohongonh... but shit spocks clothingg was all wet and tHANK THE STARS AND THEIR SLANG WIRD FOR CURRENCIES BECAUSE EOW IT DISGUISED KIRK'S lEAKING ORGAN dROM BEING NOITICED!

he was on fIRE THIS SEDUCTION WAS GOIG GR10! wait did he saybhe was in fIRE?!/!/!:2?:

kiTK LEPT FROM SOCK AND ONTO THE CEILINGN "I have childhood trauma" kirk SHRIEKD, giving insight to his dakr (or rather, very lit) pAsy t

spock sas !? ?!:?:? He was FASCINATE becaue hiw kirk sudden dEFY PHYSICS AND GRAVITY? it was turning him on

while spock calculatrd the Newtons needed to propell kirk's muscular body onto the ceileingg and the amount of figs it woukd take to keep him there, kirk was busy warping time and soap but klspock inly cared about physics and derawing vector addition fiagrams onto his chest using the ocfee liquid

cOFFEELIQUID THATS RIGHT HERE COMES THE PLOT kirk un-defyesd fuzzsucks and returned to the nasty tiled floor and said "you need to tske off tour clotheds i need to takenoff your clotheds and also my clothes have to go "

spock was ! Wow kirk aas so smart because the cofee liquid was al over! but innreality kirk just wanted to have secks and he hwasnt that smart in all actyality bUT SPOCK THOUGHT KIRK WAS BEING NICE so kirk ?!

kirk said "come

with me to the storage ckoset to change your sexualitky i mena clothing"

fight the heteronormative society we live in


	3. Chapter 3

kuick took spawk by the hand and laced their fingers before pulling the vulanc up. for a moment they looked at eacher in the eyes deeply and there might have been sparks and a fire like there might have been like tkirk though there was before but they wouldn't have known it becaus ethey were dronwing in eacher's loelvey eyes. wow. intimagte.

kirk YTANJKED spock down the hallway and then out the door and they ran around the building once like frolicing before they went back inside and into the closet. it was so dark. but spock was so radiant he might have glowed and theat light made kir's eyes sparkle in dazzlement. wow. alien babes were awesome.

except sock was not a babe. he was man. but still a babe to spock.

i mean kirk

they were both babes to eachother.

so sclose. they were sos close wow oh my god it was like wow jesus it made them both BLUSH except since spock's blood is green it made his face look greenish and kirk thought he might be sick becaus ehe didn't know that and thought spock was sick. "Don't be sick" he said.

spcok was confused because he wasnt sick but this situaiton was turingin out to be HELLA SICK NASTAY as his great aunt t'pgerturebesd would say back on his planet Vulcan t

anwyasy spock struggled to put thoughts of his great aunt t'pgerturebesd aside and focus on the hawt and DNAGeROus starbuckles employee UNBUCKLing HSI SHIRt?!

SPOck !'d again but like he was frozen in place because kirckadodle doo was makin his spacecock CROW

splowly, tnederloinly, and sensuallyt, kirk dragged his bean-grabbing fingers down spock's damp, coffee-stained white shirt that was now a thin brown cloror and kirk's hand s shook as h e struggled to regain COMMAND of the situation and calm his own burning loins

kirk slowly oppend the top button on spoclk's shirt and spocjk drew in a raspy breath andkirk stoped because this is not a dubcon fic and waiting for spcok's nod to continue his fingering i mean unbuttloning

kirk undid the firt button pon spock's shirt and dropped his jaw a bit at the spoft and furry and curly and manLY chest hairs that peaked out from under thefabric of his shirt

kirk's own waxed chest rose and fell rapidly

COULD HE DO THIS? COUld HE ACTULLAY FUFUiLL hIS DISIReS AND CONVInce SPOCK THat he was a N EXCELLENCT SPACE BOYFRIEND ?!

IMMEDIATELY THE PAIR OF THEM STARTED TUCKING ON EACHOER'S LIPS IN SUPER INTENSE MAEGA HOT WOWZAISHER SUPERCALIFRAGELOUSEXPIEALODOCIOUS MAKEOUT EXTRAVAGANZA BECAUSE LUDDY MUSSY THESE TWO WANTED TO GET INTO IT. Mega-Makeout continues and thier hands go ALL OER the place trying to like do tings becuase eowos.

their hearts beated in synch even if thier hearts existed on differnet parts of thier bodies ha anatomy.

kirk's hand travled down sock;s shirt and managed to unbotton all the things before RIPPING the sirht from the hot alien's body and he ran his hands down the front of the hot alien not-babe's chest and reveled in the PURE SESNSANTIONS.

spock inhalesd sharply (SHARPLY AS HIS POINTY EARS) and then he assessed the stiation and found that it was nSO LOGINCAL TO DO THE DO WITH THIS DUDE AND BECOME A DUO INTO UNO WOWOWW. Hot non-space-captain-starbuck-baristas really were his thing jeeprs.

AND JEEPERS CREEPRRS KIRCK WAS PANTIng and also like un-panting spock's RoCK HARd PENICs (lol well he ass-umed spocko has a penis becaus elik e? god he hoped spock had a penidc s) and speaking of synchronoizagtion, N-SYNCh WAS BLASTIng LOUDlY THROUGh THE STorE SPEAKrs and kirk swas so rady to jsut take spock to the soothing soulful tunes of JESSIE MCCARtnEY WSINGing "POpo" and how kirk realizes the thing he and psock are doing are not jsut a trend/thye'e got the gift of meloady /gonna bring it till the end eyyeahhhh

and kirk was gonna bring spock to the end heayehK!

spock was on top of that

like literally and figuratively like in the sense that he was down with what kirk was gonna do because sex isnt sex unless both parties agree okay poeople we cnanot stress this point enough and PSEAKing OF POINYt

SPcokS'S PENIS WOUAS FINALLY FrE!E! not in the sense that it was without value butin the sense that it was removed from his confouncded pants and HITTIng KIrKS FACe

AND MAGIC THINGS HAPPENED INCLUDING SECKS AND OTHER RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLY SMEXY THINGS BECUASE WOWOWO INTERSPECIAL FUN TIMES. KIRK WAS FUCKED. SPOCK WAS FUCKED. THEY BOTH WERE FUCKED BUT MOSTLY BY EACHOTHER. IF PIKE FOUND OUT THAT SPOCKAND KIRK HAD BOTH BEEN FUCKED BY EACHOTHER ON COMPANY PROPERTY THTA WOULD MAKE KIRK A SEX WORKER AND THAT WOULND'T BE OKAYBECAUSE THIS IS A STARBUCKS AND THE WORKERS ARE NOT SEX WORKERS JEGUZ PEOPLE. Pike was about to be angry but he could't bbe angry if he didn't know and because old 90s and 200s music was playing no one could hear th etwo over Brittany Spears and other artists that were super hip at the time.

So it turns out that vulcans kidn of taste like coffee except that could have been the fact that this particular vulcan had been covered in teh stuff thanks to kirk when the two had started the sexcksy times. kirk might not know better. and thank goodness it was mostly dark except outside of spocke's radiance.

so they were both way tired and decided to chill in the closet and by chill i mean roast because they were both really hot (beautifully and physicall) and also because they had done the nasty in there and they decided to wait until the store cleared out of customers before leaving themselveds.

so krik decides to get philisophical because ya know whow that inflappable captina i mean not-captain is

"psock,,"

"ye"

"why did you want to be a vulcan"

"i didnt chose the thug lycfe the thug flyuce choise me"'

"oh okay what's cool okay awos"

"why did you want to work at starbucks?"  
"im saving up for supplifes"

"supplies?"  
"ye, supplies to build my own spaceship. i wanna travel in space someday ..i jus tlvoe space and tuff aso this ia s a job i can have to make my dreams come ture"  
"fascinate."

"ye"

"ironic that you'd work at a starbucks becausse stars"  
"haha yea h that's funny but i fell like nobody on here understandd that what these characterts are talking about is NOT IRNOGy grow a fuckign breain peaopsl"

"what are you talking abot"  
"i have no idea what CAMe lokkl sexsd what came oer me i jgoue?"  
"okay well i am goinf to chekc to see if everyones' gone" 

so spock hauls ed himself off the sweaty sexcyu bodie he wa s resitng on and peeped through the peephole

"spocl ther is n't qa beephole, ur literally looking at a woosenj door"

"nono vulcans can see thougrh wood its okay"  
"hella"

And so. Only time will tell if these two heroes ever successfully completed their journey out of the starbucks, into space, to infinity and beyond, and so faorth.

boldy go otugt into thi s world with the knowledge you ahev gained from this fanficiont

read and review ! or else we ll kill them xoxo


End file.
